Early Childhood

Dr Darryl Cross (PhD)

Clinical and Organizational Psychologist

Very early on in my career as a psychologist, I came across a saying that has stayed with me. It goes something like this “Give me a child until they are seven and I’ll show you the person.” Clinical practice, training, and experience has shown this to be true. So very true.

That’s why this book is so critical and so important. It is about laying the foundations for an effective and thriving life. Get the foundations wrong or out of alignment and the whole structure is compromised beyond. So, it is with building children into secure and contributing adults.

This book is about re-establishing basic principles. Principles that work. Principles that have stood the test of time. We really can’t afford to move away from them. To do so means that we live life at our own peril. They are there to help us live life and to make the best of life for us and for our children.

Times might have changed, but there are some things that never change; they are principles. There is a call in the community now that because times are different, we need to change the way that we raise our children. Yes, part of that is true. We now have smart phones and technology that we didn’t have a generation ago such that these devices intrude into our lives and distract us in ways that previously did not happen. Yes, they might be helpful, but they are also disruptive and don’t really allow us to have any down time. We are constantly “on” and we often communicate more with our phones than our children.

We also now typically have two parents working and juggling their own lives and careers and trying to make ends meet with the cost of living and owning or renting a home. Previously, we usually had one parent (often the mother) staying at home to raise and nurture the children. Consequently, we now have more “stress” at home than previously. Just look at what happens when a child gets sick and can’t go to the early childhood center or to school. The family system, which is running tight and intense anyhow, breaks down because everything is so finely tuned that there is no slack or give in the system so that family and individual stress mounts even more.

If you are a single parent, then life is more intense as you negotiate parenthood without a second pair of hands. There is often no back-up unless you’re fortunate enough to have grandparents living nearby. The stresses, tiredness, exhaustion and fatigue are exacerbated when you’re trying to do it all on your own. Not only are there constant chores to do to keep the home running, and probably a job that means you have to show up and keep on top of (more or less), but somehow, you’re also supposed to give your child (or children) time and attention. It’s a big ask.

A generation ago, we were also told as parents that “thou shalt not smack”, but no-one told us what we could do instead as we raised our children. In a sense, we threw out the baby with the bathwater as the saying goes, and we left parents stranded. How do parents discipline now? Is reasoning with a child (like you would with an adult) going to work? I don’t think so (but we still do it!).

Previously, children were allowed to go off and play by themselves and meet up with other children in the street, ride their bikes around the community, make their own fun, go to the local oval or park to play chasey or cricket or football, and sort out their own scuffles as long as they were home in time for dinner. Now we have something called “helicopter parenting” or “paranoid parenting” as Greg Lukianoff and Professor Jonathan Haidt call it in their recently published 2019 book titled, “The Coddling of the American Mind.” This “coddling” might be well-intentioned, but it impacts our children negatively and does little to build resilience, confidence and courage which are invaluable character assets in a changing world.

There is little doubt that life has changed, but this book is a timely reminder that some things never change. There are basic principles which are like Stop signs or traffic lights; ignore them and you stand to not only injure or kill yourself, but others as well. They are there for a reason. This book outlines such principles in raising healthy, happy children.

Parenting is hard work. Darn hard work. Just ask any parent. However, the baby arrives with no manuals or sections on “Troubleshooting.” To make things even more challenging, some hospitals discharge mothers and their newborns within just 24 hours, leaving little time for guidance on caring for a new life. While midwife nurses may visit, they’re not always there when you need them most, especially in the middle of the night.

So, where do we learn to be parents and how do we prepare? Our main training ground is from the modelling we received from our own parents. Who says though that that was a demonstration of effective parenting? Who says that that was a model worth following? It gets complicated too when two parents come from different parenting models, backgrounds, or cultures and then they come together to try to formulate their own parenting style. That’s certainly fertile ground for some intense conversations or arguments. It’s a wonder any of us make it through! Another reason why this book is so invaluable is that it outlines key factors that help us to work out what works and what doesn’t. That’s one thing about being a parent; you don’t get a second crack at it, and you certainly don’t want to be filled with a ton of regrets about what you “should” have done or “shouldn’t” have done.

Over the last 20 years or more, there has been a cascade of work in relation to neuropsychology and research on the brain. Neuro is for “neuron”, the nerve cells in our brains and nervous systems. What we know now, and we will continue to discover is literally mind-blowing. Therapist and author, Robert Cox, states that a baby is born with around 100 billion neurons and that there are trillions of connections between neurons by the time the baby is 2 years of age. Think about that for a moment.

While your child is clearly changing and growing in observable ways, the inner computer called the brain is doing all sorts of neural networking. It is the right hemisphere of the baby’s brain that is active from birth, and this is where the baby is aware of body language, voice tone and volume, gestures, and touch. I vividly remember a psychiatrist giving a keynote address at a conference I attended, and he said that if we simply taught mothers to smile into their baby’s face multiple times daily that we would significantly reduce mental health issues in our country.

There is a saying that “neurons that fire together wire together.” Psychiatrist and researcher, Dr. Norman Doidge in his book “The Brain that Changes Itself” highlights the notion that it is in these early days of a child’s life that these basic lessons of safety, comfort and security are laid down by the connection with the mother, father, and caregivers. This is when the neural pathways are being laid down; when habits are starting to form, when personality is starting to take shape.

Moreover, in these early years, this is where the good habits of life are laid down. Remember the foundation analogy mentioned above. Well, no matter which way you look at it, these formative years are crucial to setting up your child for success in life where they experience sound mental health, show resilience, become independent and have healthy self-esteem. Every parent wants their child to be happy.

This practical and down-to-earth book by Margaret Larden with its far-reaching insight, wisdom, research, and wealth of experience is a literal gold mine for any parent or caregiver trying to traverse the somewhat treacherous waters of parenthood. Overlook this book at your own peril because its pages contain the gold nuggets of how to achieve effective parenting for your children.