Early Childhood

As children learn to navigate the world, we frequently overestimate their understanding of the priorities we hold as parents. They definitely don’t understand why they have to rush, pack up their toys, eat their food, be quiet, go to bed, sleep, share, be kind, and so much more. These are behaviors and skills that we need to teach them. 

There can be any number of reasons why they do not comply with our requests. For example, they may not be intellectually, physically or emotionally equipped. They could be tired or fixated on doing something else. For busy parents, a child’s lack of compliance can cause frustration and impatience, which often leads to an argument between the parent and child. 

Arguments are overwhelming for a young child. After an argument parents often retreat into silence hoping time will smooth things over. Parents can feel awkward as they don’t know what to say. To your child, this silence is not peace. It is evidence of a broken bond. They learn that anger is so frightening that it can sever a connection. 

A child’s anxious behavior after a disagreement is a product of their feelings of insecurity at that time. Their unspoken thoughts might be ‘What have I done wrong’ and ‘Do you still love me?’  In this instance, your child needs reassurance from you. A child who is never shown how to repair what feels like a broken bond, will not ‘get over it.’ They will become an adult who believes that conflict causes a relationship to end. So, show them how to repair, even if it’s clumsy. Go to them and say, ‘That was a difficult moment, but we are okay. I love you.’ Then calmly explain why you asked them to be obedient and follow your instructions. 

It is important to give your child the back story; that is, the reason for your request. Explain that you shouldn’t have responded as you did. Apologise for your impatience. A parent’s explanation will not only end this frustrated exchange but also help your child to understand the context for the requests.  They will understand that your love for them is independent of whether they did or did not comply. This newfound understanding will comfort them and, hopefully, encourage cooperation next time.